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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Operative Smee's LiveJournal:

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Friday, July 24th, 2009
11:18 am
tension
i'm never fully prepared for my mom to come to town. last night, i just realized how little plans i had made or time i set aside to spend with her. i'm so excited that she's here. this summer just feels too overwhelming. maybe after today, things will get better. this weekend brings sleeping in and carefree plans...
just talked to a friend on the phone about some business-related things. he basically implied that he wants to call me out on something this afternoon or is ticked off at me. i don't know if it was the early call or what, but it's now bothering me. does this come from my white guilt or a place of co-dependency? why do i always seek approval from folks when it's not possible for people to like me all the time? now, it's on my mind and i am wondering what he has to say. i hate getting a warning for a confrontation early. it just leaves more time for anxiety and questioning what exactly the source is. there is no way to know ahead of time and i just have to let it go. that kind of anxiety eats me up inside...
tonite we are going to a potluck here at SKSM. tomorrow, we will go to the farmers' market, possibly with betty jeanne. sunday, we aren't planning on going to church. in fact, we have no plans as of right now. maybe we'll go see a movie. she's here until wednesday and i am so glad to see her...

Current Mood: anxious
Friday, July 17th, 2009
4:23 pm
decompress...
this has been a really difficult week. things are happening around here and don't seem to stop. my friend here is dying from an AIDS-related disease that involves memory loss. i sat with him earlier in the week and it was difficult. i am coming to realize that i am uncomfortable around people who are dying/nearing the end of terminal illness. it makes me question whether i am fit for ministry or not. a close friend of mine also recently lost a close family member due to suicide. being with her in her grief is bringing up old feelings for me that i seem to have tried to contain in the past. that shit doesn't work. it will just come up at times when i see folks going through similar issues. so, i'm still grieving my own losses as well. being in a grieving community is something i pray on and am aware of in my work place. somehow, i feel i can run from it or avoid it. if i don't engage people in a conversation, it won't affect me. i'm only prolonging and repressing the process. on top of all this, i am dog-sitting and living in someone else's house until around 8:00pm tomorrow. it has left me feeling way off-center. i am uprooted from my home and hadn't seen stevie for a week until tomorrow. this sense of responsibility for a creature's well-being is exhausting. not to mention having to get up at 4:00am to let their cat out and feed him. it almost makes work feel like my time off. how do i sit with grief when it is an elephant in the room? when will i learn to engage people during their hardest times? i have not journaled nor prayed, as my journal and alter are at home. i am in deep need of some spiritual centering. and my instincts still tell me to run, to go on vacation, to go out to the club and get drunk, to stop by the canabis club on the way home. anything to stop feeling this way. i know that what i have to do is sit with these feelings. to deconstruct them and understand what my emotional reactions mean. thank goodness there is only a half hour left of this work day. then it's on to cleaning the house and having a meeting about anti-racist fund raising..

Current Mood: exhausted
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
8:50 am
working...
this summer is going just great. i have a cushy job where i sit at a desk all day waiting for a phone to ring that barely rings. i come in, make my coffee, and read or create art. so fucking sweet...
i think i might be writing a science fiction short story. we'll see how it goes. i don't think i've ever written a short story before...
just met some dogs i'm going to sit next week. they are so cute...
Thursday, March 19th, 2009
11:54 am
mental poop...
i have a ton of preparation to do to go and preach in CT this weekend. the sermon is almost finished and most of the service is smoothed out. the only part i have left to write from scratch is the benediction, which can be done any old time. the preparation lies mostly in my spirit. getting ready to hang out with tons of family members and friends and in the midst of it all, to preach a sermon connecting me to a community and the divine. it takes a lot out of me. i am so fucking excited for it as well. my message is solid and i've been able to stew over it and think about it for too long. it is time now and i still have 3 days to go...
so much nostalgia lately. i am so reminiscent in my mind while trying to be present in the present..
this seminary shit is tough stuff and slowly, i am starting to get the hang of it. and then when i think i have a grasp, something else comes up and throws me off...

Current Mood: thoughtful
Thursday, December 11th, 2008
11:13 pm
it's a new day...
i've been feeling real down over the last few days. it might have something to do with my period, it might not. this is a depression i haven't felt in a while and i'm having trouble dealing with it during this busy time in my life. it's hard to eat, i feel sad a lot. and still i feel like i have to act cheerful around folks because that is who i am...
got the best haircut of my life today. the woman who did it was amazing and brightened up my morning and gave me coffee...
too many complex conversations happening in my head and with others. i've been thinking about how reconciliation looks when thinking about social justice. i worry that we are all trying to come together under common ground and goals. why can't we accept differences too? why can't there be many answers to one question? oh, goodness...
had an evening of white russians with some seminarians. it's hard to believe i have been focused on beverages since i have been in school. mostly coffee and booze. i wonder what this says about substances to deal...
i am so fucking excited about betty-jeanne's b-day bash tomorrow. it's always nice to see her and doubly nice to celebrate her. she has been an amazing rock to my floaty self since i have been in CA...
noodle is obsessed with flipping onto her back and rolling over. it's all i see her do lately...

Current Mood: moody
Saturday, December 6th, 2008
9:56 pm
fuckin life...
i haven't posted in 37 weeks. there was a time when 37 hours was a long ass time between posts for me...
so, i'm almost done with my first semester of seminary. wild times. i think it would be hard for me to try to speak to all that i have learned. really like it a lot though...
had a birthday party last night. we started at my place for a cocktail party and ended at the lovely baggy's by the lake. it was good to be surrounded by friends...
there is a loneliness out here that is really difficult to explain. most of my friends out here are new friends. i'm starting out from scratch and it's going well, but i often feel like the people who understand me best are the folks i have a past with. and they are full and far between. sometimes, i get homesick, but i don't know where to think about when it comes up. Connecticut? Chicago? Ohio? maybe i'm just physically lonely. whatever...
for some strange reason i am totally fucking excited to go back to the east coast in a couple of weeks. i'm gonna see my family and hang out with so many people, if facebook doesn't lie. does facebook lie? this is my first time home after the holidays after having it. mostly, i wanna see my brother and people who have 2 things in common with both of us: gays and UUs. it will happen...

Current Mood: jubilant
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
11:49 am
not feeling so hot
i just feel kinda sick. i have a sore throat and a warmness around my eyes. I have been phlegmy. it's not a good sight at this point...
and i'm a little depressed. this week hasn't gotten off to a good start. the weather turned back to bad. i have been irritable. our friends left town...
i had a weird dream last night that i was at my mother's house with my family. a stray cat and a rat came in. and my mother decided to take them in. every time i saw that rat, i screamed. at one point, there was a claymation-style dialogue between the cat and the rat under the couch. the rat was all scarred up. and then my mom went to feed them with what looked like meat infused motza balls. it was really strange...
maybe i just started the day on the wrong foot with that bizarre dream...

Current Mood: crappy
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
3:15 pm
over caffeinated
i need to stop it with the coffee in the morning. it gets me way too wired...
i got wild this weekend. it was my first irish parade this past sunday. and i barely saw but 5 floats or so. what a wild party. and everyone was drinking miller lite. i don't think i can look at another one for the rt of my life. but i had a lot of fun hanging out with new people i hadn't met before. i almost ate chicken accidentally. almost...
two of lesley's friends are in town for the week. i am so excited to chill with them and go exploring....

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
10:32 am
fucking yay!
i've been feeling awesome this week. it's time for me to shine and celebrate right now..
got into seminary on monday. i went for my interview with a commitee of 4 and worked it. my mind went blank at times, but i had fun. considering that 1 of the committee members is a top professor at meadville lombard and 1 of them was elka, from the old YRUU days. it has made me excited about my future and becoming a minister. the application process is really not that fun...
and i just found out i have another interview this evening. i had to postpone plans that I had made for tonite until friday. but i think it's better to put things off with a friend rather than with this interview. and i'm pretty sure i'm gonna rock it tonite. the second interview should be better since the nerves were all wasted during the first one...
i'm doing this new thing where i intentionally live my life for myself. it's hard to break that habit of living for others, but i feel so much better. i have been going way to long attempting to please and give to everyone else around me. it's nice to do things that are just for me. it feels really empowering...
oh my goodness thank god the sun is out right now. his winter has been too harsh...

Current Mood: determined
Friday, February 29th, 2008
12:33 pm
there is a pink eye outbreak at work and you would think the plague was present here. when i got to the door, there were signs posted. there's hand sanitizer everywhere and the kids have to use paper towels to dry their hands. i hope i don't get it cause that shit is uncomfortable...
i'm handing in my starr king application today just in the nick of time. i'm actually pretty excited about it. it seems like that school might be a better choice for me than meadville. so, now it's on to the fafsa and some interviewing. i'm usually really good with interviews, but i am nervous about this one. i'm working on not doubting myself. i know i'm gonna rock that shit anyway...
i'm going out to the bar tonite with no money to my name. i'm just gonna rely on the kindness of friends and the $8 in my pocket. i hope mal will feed me...

Current Mood: relieved
Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
3:12 pm
laziness
i am just feeling ridiculously lazy today. i think i need a nap or something. my eyelids are already getting heavy just thinking about it...
i forgot my book at work today. and it really frustrates me because that is what i have to occupy my time on my break. i'm reding the mists of avalon and it is amazing. i have only gotten through the first hundred pages, but I know i'm gonna read the rest of the series. somehow, it seems i have lost my ability to rewad through long ass books real quick. maybe this one is just really dense. i need to take a little time to absorb it all...
i was trying to think of a sermon topic in which i could tie in my knowledge of science fiction and fantasy books written by women. maybe something about operating in a man's world and what we as women need to do to hold our own. maybe something about healthy escapism, but i wonder if that only speaks to my own experience. maybe using the books i have read as fuel for creative inspiration. either way, i am gonna deliver a sermon about women sci fi writers someday...
it is fucking cold outside right now. my friend was talking to day about how she went down to atlanta this past weekend. and of course, my mind turned to my vacation and how awesomely warm it will be in the bay compared to here come march. i wish it was tomorrow that i was going...

Current Mood: lazy
Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
3:51 pm
Lookin up...
my day just got a thousand times better with a good old fashioned meeting about discipline. it was totally positive and really validating to my new approach to dealing with some of the issues my kids are having. then, my mom just called and said she sent me some money and i am so broke. she is so fucking sweet. and i didn't even ask this time...
for the past few days, i have been grumpy. it may be due to the start of my first period in 2 or 3 months. or my getting sick for an entire week. or all the business with my grad school applications. or being broke because i am going to the bay from march 24-30. whatever the cause, my grumpiness has been reduced to a mild case...
and just in time for theapy this afternoon. i am excited to see mandy. and i am on my way to do art classes with about 10 kids or so..

Current Mood: amused
Thursday, February 14th, 2008
3:03 pm
cough, cough
still a little sick, but i couldn't miss another day of work. sometimes when i cough, it sounds like a dog barking...
just got back from a fabulous lunch with meaghan. she's having a kinda rough time. i think i will try to spend more time with her...
i am coming to the realization that my meadville lombard application is going to have to be turned in tomorrow and i have spent the last 2 days without evening opening my laptop. tonite, i have to kick it into high gear. and then drop it off in person tomorrow afternoon. i am so under prepared for applying and so mentally ready to get back into school and get that dream career back on track...
i feel really gay lately. like more than before. almost too gay. but not really....

Current Mood: mellow
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
3:13 pm
i'm tired
and so is everyone else here. it's just been kind of a drab fat tuesday around these parts...
i got up ready for voting in the primary this morning. and when i marked down on my ballot that i am an independent voter, they let me vote on a veterans' health care issue. i thought things were different in illinois in that respect, but i am frustrated with this system. if i don't want to identify with one party out of the 3-5 that we have, that should still keep me cool to vote in the primary. there are somny frustrating things going on with the voting here in this country. it calls for so much editing and change with how we conduct our voting as well as how votes are tabulated. good grief...
so, it's on to therapy this eve and grocery shopping and a good dinner. as well as time with lesley. i am looking forward to that...

Current Mood: tired
Thursday, January 31st, 2008
11:07 am
ugh
not feeling so hot today. i have period cramps. my microsoft office won't install. i don't really want to play with kids. i sat in traffic for a while. i couldn't early vote in the primaries because a cop was right there while i was trying to illegally park. things just aren't going my way...
but it's alright because i think i'm just gonna go home and relax. it's what i did last night. but i am in hibernation mode. i made plans with amanda to chill, but she hasn't called me. it will have to be postponed til tomorrow. especially since it's so cold outside right now. so very cold...
i rediscovered sewing. i hadn't done it in quite a while. i love to sew. it's so soothing. and i like being able to look at the final product and thingk to myself about how i did that all by myself...

Current Mood: cranky
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
2:52 pm
allergies
this cat at work is trying to kill me. he doesn't know it and he's so sweet. but i am dying a slow, catty death. i don't blame him for wanting to come up here. he's always being attacked downstairs by the little kids, strangling with love...
i am trying to take a new approach to discipline with these kids so as not to encourage shame or hurt feelings. my co-worker is going to be some trouble. he's always yelling at them for the smallest things. it's just way too ut of control...
i am going to have to cave in and buy microsoft office. i was plannng on coming in and bootlegging it from my boss today, but she only has microsoft frontpage. and i never plan on editing a website again as long as i live. but damn that shit is expensive. it will involve a lot of creative budgeting on my part. but i can't lose my essays to get into seminary and this is the only way i can do that...
i'm feeling so spiritually inspired lately. it feels good to be back in that mindset sgain. gearing myself up for the four years ahead of me. it's like everything around me has some spiritual content or message that i need. and i am led to wonder if these things were there all the time and i just didn't see them...

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
3:26 pm
feeling tired
it's hard to get back into the swing of things especially since it's gonna be a short week. after a long weekend, i just get used to being out of work and want to stay that way. we have a conference starting thursday which is going to involve 2 half days for me. exciting...
i can't help but feel undermined by the men i work with. one of them feels like he knows everything and it's hard to work with someone like that. he's always correcting his wife, who we work with. it's kind of ridiculous for a dude who says he's not a chauvanist...
just a little worried about the process of applying to seminary. i need two more letters of recommendation and i am pretty sure jahwara is not going to write one of them. it makes me sad. i wish i had been a better student in undergrad. which is exactly ho i felt when i entered college about high school. the past can't be changed. i have to focus on the future and who i can ask to write me one of these...
gonna go see my therapist tonite. i am happy that we are together again regularly. she makes me feel productive. and i usually leave with a good feeling in my chest...

Current Mood: nervous
Friday, January 18th, 2008
10:15 am
cat allergies
i seriously love this cat that hangs out with me at work. he's so cute. and he wants to get in on everything i do. my boss doesn't give him any attention, so once i started to, he's all over it. it makes it hard to type or make copies someti,es because he's very curious. he tries to put himself wherever my hands are at all times. so cute. and my allergies are actually okay...
gonna go out with james and possibly alex tonite to the bar. that should be pretty fun. i am working my ass off today from 10 to 8. Working a party from 5 to 8 for mad money. i'm kinda excited for that...
applying to school again is fun. i haven't started the financial aid process yet, so that may be why. it's kinda hard to imagine that i may be living out in the bay again in 9 months, but i am excited to go wherever. i just wanna get out there and mix it up in a seminary fashion. it's gonna be so sweet...

Current Mood: optimistic
Thursday, January 10th, 2008
1:52 pm
sick, sick, sick
that's totally how i fell. my throat is swollen and phlegmish. and i just feel all around not energized. tonite, i'm gonna go home and rest up. probably drink some theraflu, since it cures everything instantly...
got some application shit together today to go to seminary. i was looking at the classes offered at some of these schools. i want to go to every one at harvard. they all seemed wicked cool. and i looked at starr king as well and i want to go to most of their classes. it's gonna be a tough choice. now, i just to get scott warren to call me back or write me about whether or not he'll give me a letter of recommendation...
i was having a really hard time of it last night. but i needed to come to some realizations about myself. to look at mself honestly. and that felt good. i felt like hell when i was going through it. self-realization can be really fucking difficult, but necessary. i need to figure out who i am...

Current Mood: sick
Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
10:55 am
tired, tired, tired
it as so fucking hard to get up this morning. i felt all puffy and i had a headache. the, i went o get some coffee and the headache went away. this kinda concerns me because i don't want to be dependent on anything to wake up in the morning. and i remember seeing this 20/20 special about people being addicted to coffee and getting headaches when they didn't have it. or going through withdrawal. granted, they had 15 cups a day and i have only 1, but i worry about these things...
had an awesome meeting with my theapist yesterday. she is so fucking cool. i am so glad she's feeling better...
i'm going to a play this evening with lesley. makes me swoon just a little bit. he got these free tickets and asked me on a date. for some reason, when i said that in my head, i used a teasing voice. i spend too much of my time with kids under the age of 5...

Current Mood: sleepy
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